I’m mad at God! Okay, I said it. Maybe mad is too intense? I’m frustrated with Him.

A few months ago my daughter was born and my whole world was turned inside-out and upside-down. I love being a father. I value my daddy daughter days and will miss them when they are gone. But about the time my daughter was born we decided it was time for our next challenge - the challenge of full time ministry. We have always been bi-vocational pastors. Long story short - no full time experience in ministry equals no interest from churches. We’re okay with that - we really want to be in the church planting world - but that, too, is a hard place to get paid. But over the last eight months we have lost focus of what we want to do. I’m growing less and less interested in full time ministry and even more unsatisfied with bi-vocational anything.

If God would only open doors for us (laughing to myself). Sounds so vain! I’m a guy who daydreams a lot and works best when I can focus on goals (helps control the daydreaming). But having nowhere to be my confidence and courage, I feel I’m wasting time in doubt and searching for help. Nothing to keep my head in the clear.

There is a song by a band called Mute Math that says “every moment of time just an answer to find…what you’re here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for…” I’ve always had that “side” thing in bi-vocational ministry (my church plant) for the last seven years. Now I go to work at the same job and have nothing else to look toward. I’m frustrated and feel a little stuck.

The more I lie in bed and stir at the ceiling I realize I’m annoyed with myself. Why don’t I know what makes me happy? Why can’t I be clear what I want to be remembered for when I die in 50+ years? Sometimes I feel like I have more “Whys” than “Because”.

So really I’m angry with Chris. More frustrated with the guy in the mirror.

Categories: faith, life