I have this problem…well not a real problem as much as issue.  With every new experience I start thinking about the next experience.  As soon as the church I start is healthy and independent I start thinking about the next church.  When a friend I’ve been talking with about Christ comes to know God personally, I start thinking about the next friend.  It’s horrible, I know!  But here comes Tatum and I can’t think about a another child.  I love Tatum so much (except when she is screaming at me and I would for her to stop screaming at me…haha) and for now love the thought of just the three of us.  Summer has said the words “next baby” a few times lately.  Most of the comments deal with the next baby we will do better, know more, be more mentally prepared.  Not that Tatum has drained us, but its all new.

All these changes remind me when we got Brodie.  We took him to dog training as a pup and I remember the training saying “this class is more about training the dog owner and less about training the dog.”  Funny having a baby is a lot the same.  Tatum knows how to communicate with us…cry and we respond.  I feel like Summer and I are being trained right now.

Back to my thoughts on the next thing.  I’ve been thinking about going into full time ministry.  I’ve planted churches and worked a full time job to support my ministry since college.  Now I have a wife, child, and mortgage…maybe its time I start working full time ministry?  How does one find the perfect church to work in?

Sleep deprived infants should have some type of medication that can be prescribed to them to actually get some sleep. Adults have it. Why can’t infants? Especially four week old infants. My baby thinks that her “ambion” is my shoulder or my legs or my arms. If she’s crying uncontrollably in her crib (although she’s exhausted behind measure….as is her mother), the moment I console her for a quick moment, she’s snoring. Why is that? Why, if she’s so tired, can’t her cries just turn into sound sleep? How long will she fight this sleeping on her own?

I’m not a mother that holds her baby all day long, so I don’t think I’ve spoiled her in that–in the fact that she can’t be put down. She loves to be in her chair, in her swing, and on the floor playing with Brodie when she’s awake. But the moment she’s tired….the last thing she wants is her COMFORTABLE, expensive, soft, Pottery Barn Kids sheets….and its the first thing I’d take b/c I’m so tired from her crying all the time.

I’ve read the books; I’ve consulted friends (many with different view points), and all say, let her cry it out. Console her after 15-20 minutes, and then leave her alone. It seems this goes on for HOURS until her next feeding (mind you, this is all normally during the late morning hours, so technically its not a 24/7, although it sure feels like it). I know babies have fussy points. I get that. It’s just very difficult to hear others and read books that say, hey, in two days, little baby sally was sleeping by herself. URG. I hate those mothers. Sorry if you are one of them. B/c it’s been five days now that I’ve tried this, and yes, I’m a woman that wants quick results. (Read previous blogs and you’ll know my personal issues, I have many). So, will this be weeks of waiting and putting her down and letting her cry and feeling like a loser mother? Is this what I signed up for? I sat in my recliner yesterday while she was crying and I was consoling her (yea yea, I was crying, too, ok), thinking, “Um, yeah, I can’t do this anymore.”

There’s light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s what you are going to tell me. And I appreciate your kind words. Just like labor/delivery, not as bad as I thought, and now that its been four weeks, seems like worlds away and truly no big deal. Even with being in the NICU for 10 days…seems like forever ago and the hardest thing in our lives to deal with….now has been two weeks, and again, we dealt with it. So, this is another one of those moments. Yea for me.

I do love my child. Please know that. Blogs are meant to be truthful and honest. So if this offends you, you can stop reading. If you are a mother yourself, then you know how I feel. If you are a mother and you don’t know how I feel, then you offend me. JK. I’m not that mean.

I realized this morning its been over a week since I blogged, so here I go.  Yesterday I worked a shorter schedule at work, so we went to the movies.  Summer, Tatum, and I went to see “Ocean’s Thirteen” at a new theater by our house.  Tatum did really good for her first time, but Summer had to leave for 30mins to fed Tatum (why don’t theaters have nursing rooms for mothers?). But she got to see most of the movie and we thought it was good and funny.  We looked at each other when she returned and said everything is going to be different from now on (laughing with each other).

Yesterday was my sister’s birthday so we went to dinner with Nicole and her closest Austin friends at – get this – Texas Roadhouse.  This place is co-owned by Willie Nelson and makes my sister’s favorite steak.  Tatum did really well for her Auntie Nicole and didn’t cry at all.  However, as soon as we pulled into our neighborhood she started crying (but Summer was ready to feed her).  Life is going to be different from here on, but I think I will like it.

So, now that we are home, I think the last thing I want to write about is Tatum’s sleeping and eating schedules, although that is all my days seem to be with her home now. I’m thankful for the crisis to be over in the NICU; I’m so much more relaxed at home and Tatum has adjusted very well.  Chris has gone back to work, and I do miss him terribly during the day.  I had gotten used to having him around all day with me, and now that he’s gone, it makes me sad (but don’t worry people, its not the postpartum depressive sadness).

My older brother comes to visit this weekend, and then he will fly home Sunday…taking my mom with him.  My mom who has spent most of her days making sure we have clean clothes, a clean house, FOOD (cooked food, mind you, something we never have), time for a nap, feeding the dog, the list could go on.  And come Monday morning, I am solo in this gig.  For the first time.  What do I do when I have to use the rest room?  I can’t just pee only when she’s sleeping.  Right?  What about if I need to walk to the other room for a quick second, do I take her completely out of the papasan chair and carry her, or trust my dog with her that she’ll be ok (with a little extra wet kisses on her head)?  Seriously.

Our nurse late last night let us know that Tatum’s last dosage of antibiotics were to be administered at 3:30 pm on Sunday and that she THOUGHT we might be able to come home Sunday night.  WELL…..she was right!  The nurses that we had today rechecked the amount of medicine that Tatum has had in the past week…and discharged her at 4:00 pm today.   We are officially home, all of us, and Tatum is sleeping soundly in her own crib as we speak.  We had a little breakdown when she arrived; crying for about 4 straight (LONG) minutes…but we handled ourselves ok!

So, tonight we start this journey.  This life with having a first child; learning schedules; going without sleep; figuring out what our little girl needs/wants when she’s upset.  All in our own hands, not at the mercy of doctors in the next room.

We can’t wait for everyone to finally see her in person.  She’s perfect.

Ok, so you aren’t invited, but I AM!   The NICU has Chris and I down for a little “slumber party” with Tatum Saturday & Sunday night before she comes home.  I am SO thrilled, even about a stay in the hospital, who would have ever thought.   They have a room just for the McCool family on the NICU ward with a double bed, fridge, & bathroom!  Tatum will stay with her MOMMY AND DADDY for the first time EVER night and day until Monday morning when we can discharge her.  The docs will only come and get her for when its time for her antibiotics.  We will get a trial run of what it might be like once we get home.

She is eating like a queen; even can latch on quite quickly to mommy’s “girls.”  We do use a bottle supplement in case she doesn’t feed long enough and is still hungry, but hey, its a start.

I have a follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday morning to make sure my spike in fever on Wednesday was just my body begging me to please please please rest.  I have been fever free for more than 24 hours now, and have been able to visit with Tatum today and am on my way back tonight.  Thank you everyone for thinking of all three of us.  FYI, my back spasms have stopped.  I think it was highly due to stress and me not knowing I was stressed.  I tend to carry everything in my neck and back without realizing it.

I must get ready for my little princess.  OH, want to hear something so sweet?  One of Tatum’s nurses in the NICU (Ellie) gave her a present!  She treated Tatum for several days while on duty, and last spent time with Tatum Wednesday—and not on duty again until the end of next week.  So, she gave Tatum a PRECIOUS blanket with the sweetest card and her email so we can keep in touch.  My daughter is already touching others’ lives.   We love you ELLIE!

Hope everyone is doing well.  My thoughts are with those who are having a garage sale tomorrow, a TAP RECITAL tomorrow night that I would LOVE to attend (ha…you know who you are), those in small town Alpine, my next door neighbors whose little boy just started walking this week I heard, and everyone else I just missing seeing constantly.  We’ll soon see each other!  Love you all so much.